Putting the "Relationship" in "Long Distance Relationship"

One of the things that I consistently encounter when people talk about their LDRs is that they seem to forget that they aren't just "long distance", but also in "relationships". The same issues that concern a face-to-face relationship affect a distance one as well. It seems that the logistical challenges and physical deprivation overwhelm the thoughts of other relationship concerns for some people.

However, there are other issues other than resolving distance and coping with the day-to-day sense of feeling alone. Unsurprisingly, I follow the Reddit LDR subreddit that I link to on the right. I do this because I want to get a sense of the challenges and issues people presently face as compared to my LDR back in 1987-88 as well as see it as a muse for further work on my book. I've noticed that people often fall in love and then think about how to get through the separation without worrying about bigger problems such as basic compatibility issues or lifestyle differences.

One of the threads that I was looking at was from a young woman who was of a certain faith that did not allow followers of said faith to marry atheists. She was neither prepared to abandon her religion nor was he ready to convert to her faith. The distance wasn't even the issue in this case. It was this basic roadblock to any sort of future together. Her question was about whether or not it was "worth" it for him to endure the LDR given their obstacles, but it wouldn't be "worth" it even if they were in person. It was a road to nowhere in terms of a relationship given their respective stances on this issue.

The very basics of conducting an LDR include the fact that it has to be more firmly "book-ended" than a regular relationship. That is, it has a concrete beginning in which intent to enter into a relationship is understood by both parties and a concrete conclusion in which the distance has been closed is planned. Because of the sacrifices that must be made in order to be together, it becomes even more important for the parties in an LDR to have some sense that the entire relationship has the potential to work out.

It's monumentally unfair to the party who abandons life in one location to move to another only to find that their significant other has fundamental differences and now the relationship just won't work out despite now being in person. Before anyone moves, the relationship itself has to be solid and a plan for a shared future has to be agreed upon. If love were a neat and tidy thing and we could control who we fall in love with, it would be ideal that people wouldn't even fall in love with someone who had an enormous roadblock to future togetherness and such relationships wouldn't start in the first place. Love is not so logical or cooperative, so it's important to look at a distance situation first and foremost as a relationship rather than to focus too much on the "distance" portion.