The "Cast of Characters" (Reference sheet of initials/relationships)

My LDR took place in a network of people. The way in which people interacted could be rather provocatively described as "incestuous" (operating within a discrete "family" of people) or more appropriately described as a relatively closed circle. As I go along transcribing bits of tapes and written correspondence, it is clear that an outsider might become lost in all of the initials and who the players are. I'm typing this up to help anyone who decides to pay attention understand who is who.

This network of pen pals was drawn together based on two factors. The initial factor was that all of us, except T, were fans of the rock group KISS. Once we connected via classified ads in magazines that ran ads to help us locate other fans, we then connected via referrals from one another. T found me through both J and A.

S (female): 

Me, the writer of this blog. A graduate of a local state college with a degree in psychology who once worked at a halfway house for people who were either hospitalized or institutionalized for serious mental problems. I also lived abroad for 23 years and was a teacher for quite some type as well as have worked as a writer both of textbooks and magazine articles. I was born in Pennsylvania and grew up in poverty in a small rural town.

T (male):

The object of my long-distance affection and relationship. A graduate of a local state college with a degree in business and a minor in finance. He grew up in a middle class family in a small city close to Stanford University (California).

J (female):

T's first girlfriend who was a pen pal of mine for quite a few years before T was given my address and started to write to me. J worked a series of dead-end jobs and went to beautician's school for awhile. She and T were together for nine months in a long distance relationship. He ended their relationship. J lived in a blue collar suburb of Pennsylvania and met T via a pen pal of hers who was an in-person friend of T's.

A (female):

T's second girlfriend who was also a pen pal of mine, though for fewer years than J. A got a degree in journalism from a private college in Connecticut (where she has always lived). A was in a relationship with T for nine months. She ended that relationship.

D.H. (female):

A mutual pen pal of both J and S. She was younger by about five years than most of the members of our network of pen pals. She lived in Georgia and worked at a county courthouse.

H (female):

A mutual pen pal of J, A, and S. She lived in Alabama and visited S as well as J in person once.

1987

My long distance relationship started in 1987—July 18, 1987, to be exact. Such precision is possible when you have never actually met the person you've fallen in love with and a formal announcement of the change of status of your relationship from "friendship" to "relationship" must be made in order for the coupling to commence.

In 1987, the world was a different place. Here are some ways in which it was different that mattered to me:

• $1 in 1987 would be the equivalent of $2.08 today
• There were no cell phones, obviously. People looked at each other and listened to one another when they met for meals or conversation.
• Few people had computers because the cost was prohibitive. In modern terms, a personal computer (like an Apple), would cost over $7,000.
• Only local calls (within the same town) were free. Long distance calls were prohibitively expensive, especially across states during prime times.
• CDs were just becoming popular, but were so expensive that few people could afford to buy many of them. Many still bought records.
• Recording technology was analog. People mainly used cassettes for sound and VHS for video.
• The minimum wage was around $3.35 (equivalent to $6.98 today).
• Pictures required you to buy film, have it developed, and for prints to be made.
• A postage domestic stamp cost 22 cents (equivalent to 46 cents today).
• Few people owned video cameras. Home videos were a luxury most could not contemplate without a decent cash outlay.
• Nearly all college students had to research "by hand" by going to libraries and finding books, journals, papers, or microfiche.
• The only way you could get to know or learn about another person was through other people or filing official documents through a court or other agency. There was no such thing as an online profile or search.
• 56.8% of high school students enrolled in college as compared to nearly 67% now
• Television viewing largely consisted of the three major networks. The Fox network existed, but it only aired twice a week. Cable as we know it was greatly more limited.
• People tended to visit the homes of their friends to socialize with them. There was no online social networking.
• The main way in which strangers met for dates was through blind dates or by visiting bars. There was no online dating.
• People used paper road maps to find their way around.
• Phone numbers were something you wrote down in your paper address book or Rolodex or you simply had to remember them.
• Prozac had just been introduced, but was not yet in widespread use.
• Technology neither talked to you nor could you talk to it. That was the stuff of "Star Trek".
• Banks had pneumatic tubes through which you could conduct business at a distance and ATMs were called "Mac" machines on the East coast and had physical buttons that you had to push. 
• Most people made purchases with paper checks or cash. It was difficult to get a credit card and, when you were allowed to use one, it was ran through a little machine with raised letters that imprinted on a special form.
• AAA would assemble custom "triptix" to help with complex travel. They did this by hand and made it into a little book of maps. It tricky to plan such trips on your own.
• The only way to know if a restaurant was good was by word of mouth, to eat there yourself, or catch a review in a paper.
• The postal service was the main means by which packages were delivered. UPS and FedEx existed, but they were more expensive alternatives used to ship either special items (such as large parcels) or faster than the postal service.
• "Mail order" meant paper catalogs that you received at your home and ordered using a letter that you sent to the seller. Sometimes, you could order by phone, but this wasn't as common. 
• Pornography was hard to come by and something that you found only in specialty shops. 
• Ronald Reagan was president.

Some of this information is fairly trivial. No small amount of it sums up to the fact that, in 1987, the world was one in which contact between people was largely if not entirely face to face and experiences were far more tangible (analog, printed) and less ethereal (digital) than they are now. Your music wasn't something invisible in a tiny device. It was something you had on a shelf, held in your hand, and saw moving in a machine. Your photos weren't bits on a hard drive. They were pieces of paper in a book that you leafed through. Money wasn't data on a card. It was paper and coins you fumbled with in your wallet. Everything was concrete. Things were solid and you couldn't pull them out of thin air into existence.

It was not a time during which people were comfortable conceptualizing anything in life as "real" unless they could see it, touch it, feel it, smell it, or taste it. Conducting any relationship—let alone a romantic one—at a distance was an act of imagination as you could not see the couple interacting together. At that time, a long distance relationship that was not forced by circumstances (such as a military posting separating a husband and wife) was regarded as very peculiar. The sort of person who would engage in one was regarded with suspicion. Why wouldn't someone just do what everyone else did when looking for a partner? There must be something wrong with the involved parties or they would pursue relationships like "normal" people of the time.

If you have been or are in a long distance relationship, do people ever question the legitimacy of your relationship? Do they see you as being somehow "wrong"?