Correspondence July 4, 1987 (greeting card)

The fact that I was writing T a greeting card on a national holiday reflected two things. One was my as-yet-unspoken crush on him. The other was the fact that I worked my 24-hour shift at the halfway house on Friday and came home early Saturday morning and picked up the mail I'd missed during my work-induced absence. It was becoming more common to find his tapes each Saturday and to spend the day—a day that often followed a sleep-deprived night—listening and taking notes.

As always, click on the image to load a larger version that can be read.

Outside of card:

Inside of card:

Transcript of interior:

Dear T,
     Answer to your hypothetical question: "How would I, S, feel if for one reason or another you taped and said, 'we're finished.'
     Answer: I would be crushed, devastated, and angry as hell. Why? I value your thoughts, opinions, and the "company" I get by spending time with you on tape. Indeed, I have an "emotional attachment" as well as having many "needs being met" by an intelligent, honest, and lovely person. I'll expand on the topic on tape but you'd better not be considering it (I doubt that you are).
     Your tapes arrived at an opportune (spelling?) time and I thoroughly enjoyed the first 12 sides (which is as far as I am right at this moment) and will probably enjoy the rest equally.
     So far, you're very wrong about things "leveling off" and it becoming "only T!" It's still, "oh wow, tapes from T!"
     This is getting disgusting, isn't it? Anyway, you're terrific and I thought I'd tell you so...
     Tapes will soon follow.
     Very soon!

S

Transcript of back:

Quote from Think by Dr. Robert Anthony: "There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutal honesty."

Just a point to ponder...

*****

One of my "problems" was that I was often too honest or blunt for most people's tastes. That went for saying both positive and negative things. I included the Dr. Robert Anthony quote in reference to this troublesome personality trait of mine, but T was rare in that he wasn't intimidated by my particular brand of honesty.

Correspondence May 21, 1987 (greeting card)

When I was younger, I was very much into impressionist art and would go out of my way to acquire cards or pictures with the paintings of painters such as Monet. My enthusiasm for said artists waned a bit as time went by, but I had a stash of cards with pictures that I especially treasured. The cards were small, less than the size of a postcard, but they had glossy fronts and high quality color printing. The card stock was sturdy and I can even remember the smell of them as the higher quality cards enclosed in the contained space of the box they were stored in retained a distinctive bouquet of printing fluids and wood pulp.

I used those impressionist cards only on occasions that mattered to me in some way. They were not "throwaways" like some of the more mundane and cheap, flimsy cards that I kept on hand. It's no shock then that I used one of these cards to get back to T after I'd fallen in love with him as a result of his second set of tapes to me. He had no idea that there was any significance to the card nor that I'd suddenly gone from being ready to abandon him after his first correspondence to being passionate about him.

Card front and back:

Card interior:

Transcript:

 Dear T,
    Hi! I’m through w/three sides of your tapes and working on the fourth side. I was sooo impressed at this point that I felt compelled to drop a second note to say:
1.    I was such an idiot for waiting so long to listen to your tapes.
2.    I’m even sorrier for taking so long to get back to you.
3.    I have to work my nifty little 24-hour shift tomorrow so the earliest you’ll hear from me is the week of the 25th... though I am literally DYING to reply to you.
4.    Here are the things I want out of a penpalship (I will expand on this on tape) – a meaningful exchange of interesting conversation, preferably intelligent conversation... which you supplied beautifully.
    Once more I’m very sorry for taking so long to reply. I was terribly impressed by your tapes & hope to get back very soon.
    Take care,
    S

*****

Though I mentioned this in previous posts about correspondence, there was a more than two month gap between my listening to his first tape and his second one. I was trying very hard with this card to repair any damage I may have done to his impression of me by being emphatic in my appreciation of his second set of tapes. It was my fervent hope that he'd give me a second chance despite my slack response.

Correspondence May 15, 1987 (greeting card)

I do not have the first piece of correspondence that my soon-to-be long distance relationship partner sent me. I don't even have the first bit of written correspondence that he sent me. What's that? You don't understand the difference between correspondence and "written correspondence"? Of course, you are confused. Normal people didn't do what we did back in the day.

The first piece of correspondence that I ever received from my future love was a cassette tape of him speaking to me for about an hour, possibly 90 minutes. Since I no longer have the tape, I do not know the length. I only knew that I was thoroughly unimpressed by him at the end of that time. I did reply on a tape of my own. My response was less than an hour and I did it because I felt obliged to reply to him out of a sense of courtesy and decency.

I haven't decided yet in this blog how far I'm going to go with revealing names. To protect the privacy of everyone involved, I'm censoring the names from any scans I put up and I'll refer to my partner as "T" and myself as "S" as those are the first letters of our names. At a later date, I may be less squeamish about such things, but this will do for now.

T responded to my tape rather quickly, but I wasn't really interested. I tossed his second set of tapes (because he sent two the second time around) aside and hoped he'd forget about me. He didn't. Around mid-May, my guess is shortly before the card I am scanning and posting here was sent, he sent me a letter asking politely if I'd gotten his tapes. I threw out that letter, but I did send this card in response:

Card front:

Card interior:

Transcription:

May 15, 1987

Dear T,
     Actually there are excuses and I'll probably bore you with them. Let me first apologize for not getting back to you in some way, shape, or form much earlier. The reality of the situation is that I haven't even had the opportunity to hear your tape, let alone respond to it. I did get your letter and read it.
     Ready for excuses? Work has been a true bitch (there's a lot of internal strife... my boss hates me and I had an anxiety attack on the job). My social life sucks, I'm having an identity crisis, and I went to Boston for a week in April. Now aren't you happy I laid all of that on you? I knew you'd be. Heh, heh, heh. And it's not even a soap opera, it's real.
     I promise, promise, promise (!) to try to get back to you ASAP.

Your pal,

S

*****

One part of that card was a bit of a fib. I was very busy, but I could have found the chance to listen to his tape had I made it a priority. I did have an identity crisis at that time (and, yes, I knew I was having one and why), and my boss was treating me horribly. I don't recall having an anxiety attack, and I think that what happened was more of a meltdown. This message was the calm before a storm emotionally, though my life seems to always be full of thunder and lightning psychologically speaking.