One of the most common pieces of advice that I've read and seen about dealing with a long distance relationship (LDR) is for each party to make sure that they build up their own separate lives so that they aren't spending all of their time pining away for their loved one. This is generally very good advice, but not just for LDRs, but for all relationships. I think most people already have a life before they get into any relationship and it doesn't suddenly cease to vanish the minute they get involved with someone. Unless you have zero friends, no work, no hobbies, and live with your partner, you've very likely already got a life of your own.
The approach which advises people to cope by making sure they have their own life is one based on distraction. It says that you should do what you can to not think about the separation. It does not focus on how to cope with the separation or make it less difficult to endure. It also runs the risk of a person building a life in which they don't actually attend to the LDR because they are too busy keeping themselves occupied and building a life which doesn't involve the other party.
For me, in my LDR, I found that it had unique needs. In fact, it needed to be dealt with more attentively and actively than a face to face relationship. The primary problem is that you cannot get the same sort of casual contact and gratification that you can in person. This is both a burden and a potential blessing depending on how you frame it. The "burden" is the loss of ease that comes from hanging out together watching movies, playing sports, eating meals, etc. We can slowly learn a lot about a partner through casual contact. The word "slowly" is very important. Time spent together face to face is often quantitative, but not qualitative. We imply intimacy from hours spent together, often when we do not actually have real emotional or psychological intimacy.
LDRs, in contrast, need qualitative contact. We need to build intimacy in deliberate layers because we can't get it physically or by casual association. This means that those in LDRs have an opportunity to build a stronger bond through whatever outlets are available for contact. This can be accomplished via a variety of techniques, but one that does not work is simply making appointments to "hang out" together on Skype or send text messages which convey empty sentiments or queries. Those are substitutes for being in person, but ultimately are not particularly satisfying as they will always pale in comparison to the real thing.
The opportunity for the couples in LDRs is to truly engage with each other in ways which are not typical face to face. This means you ask more questions about more interesting things and listen more carefully to the answers. It means you are more observant about your life and daily interactions and share in greater depth. You can also absorb and talk about content you've seen in greater detail in ways that elicit opinions, encourage discussion, and open both you and your partner up to deeper aspects of each other's personalities.
Here are examples of what I mean:
Small Experiences/observations:
I was walking home from the store and I noticed that someone had left a pair of gold and pink sandals on the bench at the bus stop. I wondered what could compel someone to just leave their shoes there. Why do you think someone would do that?
I walked by a house and a woman was picking grapefruit from a tree in front of a house. She was in the process of stacking dozens of them on a bench nearby. Nearly a third of the bench was covered in grapefruit, but she hadn't put a sign up to tell people that it was okay to take them. Do you think she was gathering them for herself and would later get something to put them in or that she was stacking them there for someone to take? Would you have taken one?
Note: The purpose of this type of sharing is two-fold. You are telling your partner about the details of your daily life, but also exploring what would be said or done if the two of you were having the experience together. It allows you to relive the moment to some extent as if you'd been together.
Sharing what you've read/learned:
I read an article today about water usage in California and how it takes 220 gallons of water to grow a single avocado. Given the long-term drought, I'm wondering if perhaps I should focus on buying avocados grown only in Mexico and Florida, but there is a point to be made about supporting jobs in California as well. On the one hand, it's unethical to contribute to the water problem when there are alternatives, but, on the other hand, it's also not good to put people out of jobs. What do you think?
I read a post about how some guy invented a substitute for food called soylent something or other and that it's supposed to have all of the nutrients you need to just chug it down and not worry about shopping, cooking, or cleaning up a big mess. What do you think about giving up food and all of the hassle associated with it?
Questions:
Tell me something about you that I don't already know. (Ask this question often, and listen with genuine interest and ask follow-up questions!)
Think about anything that you don't know about your partner, but you might want to know or "should" know. Do you know their favorite food, color, season, etc? Think about those aspects and ask about them and why they are favored. You don't have to do it by rote or unnaturally, but such questions can come up when relating experiences. For example, you can say that you tried some new beverage at Starbucks and ask your partner what drink is his/her favorite.
One of the wonderful possibilities afforded you when you are in a LDR is that you are encouraged to live your life differently in order to strengthen the bond of the relationship. You have to be mindful of your daily life to relate experiences and ask about them. You have to read interesting things in order to share them and ask for other opinions. You will grow as a person as you add to the texture and depth of your relationship. You will also have a chance to show your interest in your partner and to really get to know him or her. If you can't witness their life, then you can ask about it.
Keep in mind that this isn't about filling time or making conversation. It's about building intimacy and substituting for a lack of proximity. If it feels like a chore, then maybe you need to question how interested you are in spending time with the other person and knowing him or her better.
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